Dear Grandma,

Thanks so much for the care package you sent me-I was so excited to get it! With second semester coming up and book-buy right around the corner; the generous gift you enclosed will definitely go to good use. Thanks also for the yummy food you sent-it’s a nice break from the cafeteria!

Things at school are going well. Classes are challenging but I’m budgeting my time well to study. I also joined a fraternity since we last spoke. Even though I’m still a pledge the guys already consider me a full-member and good friend.

I hope that things are still going well in Key West. My Dad says that we’re going to visit you in April–I can’t wait to see you! Send my love to Grandpa and CiCi as well.

Love,

Peter

Translation:

Dear Grandma.

When I first saw the large box at the student union post office I was excited. The box was probably big enough to comfortably house a small child-so I naturally thought it would be jam-packed with home-made cookies, precious jewels and useless war memorabilia from grandpa.

My boyish hope was put to rest, however, when I opened the box to find only: six boxes cup noodle, one Tide to-go pen, and an envelope with five dollars. How could I forget that you and grandpa are so cheap you’d use a large box left over from your move to Key West in 1968?

In regards to the money-thanks so much! Your petty contribution will go a long way to settle the $100,000 debt I have with the university. Well, probably not, but at least your gift can be used for the cover fee for a party. Who knows, I might go to such a party and find a totally wasted girl and end up sleeping with her. So in a way, you may have helped your grandson get laid-how thoughtful of you.

The cup noodles will definitely go to good use. The cheapest meal plan here only gets you 10 meals per week so maybe if I eat the noodles really sparingly I can support my body’s metabolism on such a meager diet for a few weeks.

I joined a frat last week and it’s only because I told them that you’d died and that I had to write sympathy emails to my parents that they let me out of the putrid basement where they keep pledges locked up to develop “brotherhood.” Speaking of which, the three minutes they’re allowing me to write is almost up. So I’ll make my goodbye.

I have heard it through the grape vine that plans are in order to visit you in Key West during April. While the thought of being in Florida during Spring Break is at first appealing- sipping tonic water on your porch while listening to you talk about your recent bowel obstruction is thoroughly unappetizing. Let it be known that I will do anything I can to avoid such an excursion. Even if it means taking a last-minute “foreign exchange trip” to free me from any obligation to see you.

I hope all is going well with you and grandpa-for god’s sake don’t die! Send my love to grandpa and that annoying dog you’ve recently adopted as a way to feel needed.

Love,

Peter (I’m Catherine’s son).

By Leslee Horner

Blog: “Waiting for the Click”  http://lesleehorner.wordpress.com/

Follow Leslee on Twitter: http://twitter.com/lesleeHorner

My sophomore year of college started out just like my freshman year…living in a dorm room with my friend, Amy.  That second year, however, I played 3rd wheel to Amy’s boyfriend.  After a couple of weeks of it, I became intolerant and moved into a single room a few floors up.  It was the first time I had truly lived alone and to celebrate my new found privacy I started sleeping topless.  It soon became a “must” part of my sleeping ritual…well at least until the night of the shower curtain.

In my third year of college, Amy and I lived next door to each other in single rooms on our sorority’s floor in Sanford Hall.  Because our hall was made up completely of sisters, we rarely locked our doors.  The catch though, is if the doors were locked, they only locked from the outside.  If you exited your room and wanted it locked or unlocked you had to be sure to check the knob on the outside.

During Spring Break of that third year of college, I stayed in the dorms while most of my friends went home or to the beach.  As always, I found someone to party with.  Upon returning to the dorms one evening, I was impaired.  Just like every other night I stripped down to my night time uniform and went to sleep.  But seeing as I’d had a lot to drink I woke up to use the restroom.  Since my room was directly across from the bathroom (and the hall was inhabited by my closest friends) I had made a habit of hopping into the bathroom at night while simply shielding my chest with my arms.  It had never failed me, until this particular night.  I left my dorm room, heard the door slam behind me, and instantly froze.  OH SHIT!  I knew the door was locked.  The door was locked and as far as I knew EVERYONE was gone!  I was standing in the middle of the bathroom, wearing nothing but my panties and completely panicking.  Eventually I noticed the shower curtain and my only solution to being without clothes.  I took it down from the bar and wrapped it around my body.  Once I was fully covered I proceeded to go door to door (at about 3AM) knocking and praying that someone would answer.  Eventually and luckily, one of my sorority sisters (an older sister who rarely partied) came sleepily to her door.  I think by then I was crying and honestly don’t even remember her reaction.  What I do remember is that her solution to my lack of clothing was to give me a small, satin bathrobe.  I put on the robe, while wishing it was sweatpants and a t-shirt, and she escorted me across campus to the other dorm to get a spare key.  Signing out that key while wearing a silk robe that obviously had nothing under it was almost as embarrassing as going door to door wearing a shower curtain.  But I did get back into my room that night and put on clothes.

Moral of the story is never leave your dorm room without clothes on!