An Ode to the Branch Campus

Oh, branch campus. I am sorry for all those times before. The times when I would wander around the parent campus aimlessly and the brief and reckless incident of actually living up there just to feel like I was a part of it all. I am sorry for saying your name with a sneer and dismissive eye roll. The list could continue but why waste this time on the painful past?
Miami Hamilton, I love you. I love the way you are so accepting. Walking down these foreign halls and being lost in the crowd of Ugg boots, skinny jeans, and North Face I miss your individuality. You accept us all, regardless of ethnicity, weight, style, sanity, and well, GPA.

I love your classes. How reassuring it is to have the same people with the same major in the same classes semester after semester. Really, what could build a better since of community? The tight knit “all for one and all for (insert major of choice)” attitude is as close to a secret club as socially acceptable. (Real life secret clubs could either be incredibly awesome, or incredibly creepy.) The Professors who know everyone’s name and don’t need those fancy new photo rosters.

I love the way you are so coy with your coffee sales. I never know when I will be able to enjoy a hot beverage and when the coffee shop will be unceremoniously closed at two in the afternoon. Not at all like this easy, quick to please, gauche corporation coffee shop.

I love your food. The food of middle class cafeterias all over America; French fries, hamburgers, pudding from a can, oh the joy! They have sushi here. Can you believe it? Oh and don’t even get me started on the amount and variety of salad.

To say that I miss our time together is an understatement. If I could come back to you, I would. The main campus has the pre-nup on my education now. I will visit, from time to time. I want you to remember the good times we had. The time I spent in your library or in the commons. Remember that time there was a random horse on campus? Or that time someone cut the power to get out of taking exams? Remember all of the snow days we had together? All the classes I skipped, all the classes I went to. All of the crazy and the good and the weird. This is how I will remember you, Miami Hamilton.

Just added Miami University – Oxford to the website. This guide is seriously awesome. The info in this college guide is juicier than yesterday’s turkey. Seriously.

Don’t believe me? Read some of the “RAW & UNCENSORED EXCERPTS!” Like, wow. RealCollegeTour.com is TRULY the home of uncensored college info…. If you don’t want to get assaulted by some scumbag frat boy, you should read this guide. We actually NAME which frat at Miami University is known to roofie girls…and guys.

What are the two most widely present characteristics of any bar? Darkness and beer, right? So it only makes sense to have parties when the power is out on (and off) campus.

Nothing much happens in Ohio so when something interesting does happen we tend to blow it way out of proportion. For example a really bad windstorm came through and we called it a hurricane.

Once the power was out it was only logical for my roommate and I to join our beers with our neighbor’s beer and celebrate this force of nature.

We had only met him once before. We had run out of sugar while baking cookies (this was in no way a common occurrence by the way) and what are neighbors for if not to let you leech off their baking materials? He opened the door sans shirt. Both his nipples were pierced.

But there we all sat, brought together by boredom and the realization that our own beer would not last us the night. Plus, he had tons of candles.

The candles, side note, could either mean

1. Creeper
2. He doesn’t bat for our team

The later it gets the more people cram into his apartment. Someone tries to make Jell-O shots before realizing that no power means no freezer. My roommate and I learned a lot that night. We learned that the nerdier the major, the more they can drink along with several other things that we wish we hadn’t learned. At the end of the night we inherited a book, The Guide to Getting it On.

We went back to our apartment and read the book by candlelight just like our forefathers. Ok, mainly we giggled at the pictures. By candlelight.

The next day there was no class since the campus had no power. The dean announced that there would be class, power or not, the following day. That night there was the most yuppie “riot” in all the history of riots. Miami is not known for its tough troublemaker students. Students at Miami wear pastel polo’s and designer sunglasses. The riot was more or less a ton of students standing on the lawn of the dean’s house complaining that they had class in the morning. The saddest part of this is that the city called in all of the neighboring cities police officers to “subdue” this “riot.”

The lessons learned in this are that you shouldn’t judge your neighbor by his piercing, if you’re going to riot go big or go home, and that nature likes it when you party.