With the rate of college suicides on the rise some schools are starting specific programs in order to help their students deal with stress. But in this time of our lives where we are supposed to be focused on enjoying ourselves (with a little bit of studying tossed in) and creating a future for ourselves what can go so drastically wrong?

Right now a lot of people are blaming it all on the economy. Students need funding now more than ever and it isn’t always available. Also with the decrease in jobs a college student could look at their future and see a whole lot of nothing. It’s hard to go through the typical four years with fear that you may not be able to get a job once you graduate.

Most schools have their own suicide prevention hotlines and counselors to unload your doubts on. Is this enough? Depression is a terrible thing and a lot of students don’t want to go talk to a professor or parent or anyone about their feelings.

There are several things that a student can do by themselves to help combat depression and suicidal thoughts. The main thing is to try to stay positive. Last year I couldn’t get funding for school. My family was in a bad place financially and my life felt like it was out of control. To be honest there were a lot of days that I didn’t want to get out of bed at all, much less socialize. I found a few websites that made me feel better and they helped me put things into perspective (at least a little bit).

One, of course, is postsecret.blogspot.com. A lot of people have said that this website has helped them with depression. Post Secret is a website where people from all over send in their secrets to share online. It can definitely make a person feel less alone.

Another, sadly, is icanhascheezburger.com. I hate to admit it but LOLcats can always make me feel better. Cute cats, funny captions, what’s not to love? Seriously, just try it on a bad day. (p.s. don’t judge me!)

Then there is givesmehope.com, This site is amazing. It is exactly how it sounds. People post things that happened to them that gave them hope. It does a lot to remind its readers that not everything is crashing and burning.

If you are depressed, try to get help. Even if that help is telling a close friend so that they can help make your day brighter. College is only a few years out of your life, enjoy it, your whole future is waiting for you on the other end.

Unless you’re a Rockefeller descendant, lottery winner attending an in-state university on a full ride scholarship, you’re a broke college student. Get over it; besides the aforementioned nonexistent example, college kids are expected to be poor.

As December creeps closer, rent and food money are no longer the biggest issues. It’s holiday season, which means you’re obligated to buy people things. That, or suffer the consequence of being labelled a heartless bitch. Your choice. Just keep in mind that picking the latter means you’re a heartless, selfish bitch. But whatever, still your choice…

Anyway, as always, I’m here to show you the ropes. Here is your personal guide to avoid wasting booze money on Christmas presents to cool, cheap, unique gifts!

For your friends: Mix CDs. Even though your friends can probably find and illegally download any song ever recorded on the internet, not much beats the high school flavored nostalgia of a good ol’ mix CD. (If you need help filling gaps in your playlist, plug in some songs you irrationally assume were written about you and your friends).

For your mother: A drawing. You’re not an artist? Not even remotely problematic. Hand her your archaic rendering of something sappy (two different animals displaying their unlikely friendship perhaps?) and say it took you weeks to finish. Tell her it reminds you of your powerful, impermeable relationship; moms eat that shit up.

For your father: One coupon to take you fishing/golfing/something outdoorsy whenever he wants. This gift is thoughtful and also suggests a desire for father-child bonding. Don’t worry about following up on your promise; utilize the same techniques you used to get out of these events for the past 20 years. That is a last resort; hopefully after a while he’ll just forget.

For the weird uncle: A miscellaneous object. Pick up a strange, foreign object from a dirty street. Give it to your uncle. Make a wild claim about how the drummer from White Snake used the object to wipe the sweat off his ride cymbal. Casually add how vicious the bidding on eBay was to get it.

For your little cousins: Last semester’s textbooks. Wrap up the now outdated textbooks your school’s STUPID bookstore refuses to buy back. When your cousins rip through the wrapping paper, tell that those books are the stuff college kids read and reading them will make you a super genius. They’ll love it for like two seconds until they open the next present. Whatever, your little cousins are annoying anyway, good enough.

For the remaining (siblings, significant others, co-workers, etc): Tell them their gifts are on the way. Excessively complain about how Amazon miscalculates it’s shipping estimates. After you’ve open your stash of holiday presents from your “loved ones”, re-gift all the crappy stuff. Will anyone ever find you out? No, never. Everyone wins.

Using my guide, you’ll save enough money for another semester’s worth of nightly 2 a.m. pizza runs textbooks. Happy gift-giving!

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I am so not morally above being judgmental. If I was, I would have had no excuse to openly mock the fans that came about after the release of Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” series. No, I didn’t know who this Edward guy was, but I had no reservations when it came to labeling the college aged Edward Cullen obsessers as a pack of idiots.

Now, I didn’t read the books because I didn’t want anyone to confuse me for one of these girls when they saw me wielding a Ms. Meyer novel around campus. And because I’m not 14. And because I’m lazy. And because it’s a hell of a lot easier to wait for the movie. A couple weeks after the first movie came out, I secretly watched it. Seeing it armed me with enough ammo to keep up the mocking until “New Moon,” which, as I’m SURE you’re aware, comes out this week. The first movie was fabulous…for making fun of. I mean, REALLY. The vampire baseball game? The sparkle skin? The painfully awkward scenes of silent eye contact? The high speed piggy-back ride? Someone on set HAD to have been laughing, or at least battling a smirk.

Far too many 20-somethings are lining up for the “New Moon” midnight show. It’s a preteen tale, plain and simple. Did I mention the glittery skin thing yet? This is like My Little Pony stuff.

But to be truly honest, I didn’t hate the first flick. I hate myself for that. I can easily see it’s faults, but I have a hard time completely despising it. Much like a sappy pop ballad or those anti-animal abuse commercials, all it takes is a corny, sentimental premise and, BAM, you got yourself an audience of tearful young women (not to underline the stereotype of overly emotional females; I feel I can speak for women being that I am one).

I don’t care if Edward was a donkey-armadillo hybrid with a squirrel tail, given the storyline, the ladies are going to fall for him. I’m not exempt; I’m by no means immune to a love tale.

No, I’m not going to adorn my facebook statuses with a countdown to “New Moon,” <3s, and lines about how I long to be Mrs. Cullen (there is still no excusing that). I’m healthily aware that I, like many, have a small weakness for love stories. But with all that being said, it’s safe to say that I’ll probably end up with a ticket to “New Moon.”

See you there.

Dearest roommates,

Listen. I’m really worried about you guys. By the amount of repulsive, dirty dishes that is eternally stacked in our kitchen sink, I can tell something is wrong. The fact that I’m the only one out of the four girls that live here who has the time to scrub clean the grimey forks and greasy, Ramen-stained pans makes me think that you are seriously overwhelmed. You’re too preoccupied with homework to clean one single dish, and that is excruciatingly concerning.

By the look of the leaning tower of post pizza-eating plates, you guys are well over-booked. You know you have too much on your plate (metaphorically; I’m talking about schoolwork, not the aforementioned serving of Giordano’s) when you aboslutely cannot take 5 seconds out of your day to clean your cereal bowl. Really, 5 seconds. I timed it. It takes a person 5 seconds to clean a bowl.

Now, I totally understand. The dishes make it clear that you are swamped with feverishly writing, proofeading, and editing carefully constructed papers, e-mailing your questions and concerns to your professors, contacting fellow classmates and teacher’s assistants to discuss course materials, utilizing professors’ office hours and every other available class resource AND calling your parents nightly to discuss your daily struggles in coursework as well as to seek advice on how to resist peer pressure at social gatherings. You’re not alone. But even with all that, I can still find those couple seconds in my day to sponge the remnants of my Lean Cuisine off of my eating utensils.

John, Anthony, Nick, Frank, Michael, and Robbie’s frequent late night visits make it obvious that you are up well into the night frantically collaborating on group projects. Also, seeing that you guys don’t emerge from your rooms until the mid-afternoon definitely relays the message that you spend all of your waking morning hours affixed to your laptops typing up lab reports and critical analyses of literature. And for those reasons, I respect you, but your dedication is downright scary.

As long as I consistently see the signs that you are overwhelmed and over-working, I am more than willing to do the dishes. I will help you out in any ways that I can. Garbage? Sure. I’ll continue taking that out too; that’s fine. Anything. I just want you guys to try to take a break; you’re going to burn yourselves out. Try to put the pencils down for just a minute; you’re frightening me. Please.

Love, Joanie

p.s. If you guys ever need to talk, I’m here for you.

Sharing your sleeping space with strangers is one thing, especially when those strangers like to heat up curried Indian food at 3 a.m. and incessantly hum Paramore painfully off key through the night (I mean, REALLY. I thought you were a Music major?!). But sharing your showering space? Forget disgusting; the thought itself is legitimately gag-worthy. I may or may not have just regurgitated in my mouth a little.

Believe me when I tell you that it is not hard to die from the horrible things you’re forcefully exposed to in a communal bathroom. Lucky for you, I’m great at not contracting diseases that swim around in public shower stalls. And even luckier for you, I’m willing to share my survival tips. Take my advice and you might not die from a communal bathroom (I offer no guarantees).

1. Wear shower shoes. These are vital in not dying. Your standard Old Navy flip-flops will do, although the green ones are especially effective in preventing infection. Ditching the sandals is essentially a death wish; your bare feet will actually be able to feel the H1N1 creeping under your toenails. Not a fun event.

2. Don’t let anything touch the ground. A communal bathroom floor gets mopped in vomit several times every weekend; do you really want to risk trusting the 5 second rule on your toothbrush under these circumstances? No is generally the acceptable answer to this.

3. Use your foot to flush the toilet. Hopefully this is not a foreign concept. There’s really not much more I wish to elaborate on for this one. Just please don’t use your fingers to jiggle the handle. Your leprosy-free palms will thank you later.

4. Make it snappy. In and out; this is not the place to discuss with the girls down the hall which boys from philosophy class you’d prefer getting with this weekend. The more time spent in the shared restroom, the more time airborne viruses have to manifest themselves in your orifices.

5. Avoid them at all costs. Communal bathrooms should only be used for their intended purposes and only in extreme emergencies. Hair and makeup can easily be taken care of in your room. When you do need to use a toilet/shower, the public restroom should be a last resort. A good example: if you have to pee before you go out to dinner, hold it until the restaurant. Chances are good that the facilities there have a much lower death rate.

6. For the over achiever: Don’t use them at all. Making your own makeshift dorm room toilet is a great way to avoid contracting the bacterial infections populating communal washrooms. This alternative is far more sanitary than public bathroom stalls. Skipping showering altogether will also keep you cleaner than any community shower stall ever could. Just compare my roommate and I; you’ll smell the difference.

[digg=http://digg.com/comedy/6_Ways_To_Survive_a_Communal_Bathroom_in_College]

At DePaul University, we are on the much controversial “trimester system”. Each course is squeezed into a grueling 10 weeks, with an unnecessarily long 6-week winter break from Thanksgiving until well after New Years Day. For reasons no student quite understands, “midterm week” diverges into “midterm 3 weeks” and finals week becomes “finals two weeks”. You do the math. The middle of the term is the 5^th week, and if finals begin the 8^th week, while midterms are still being administered = nothing short of hell. It is typically around this eighth week of the term that students lose the will to live and “FML” Facebook statuses become prevalent and emphatically “liked”.

During this phase of hell, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of sleep obtained and the amount of Starbucks consumed. It appears to be a losing battle for the infantry of sleep. Since students cannot seem to access a syringe capable of injecting Mountain Dew or Monster Energy Drinks, many students settle for caffeine pills and for the more hardcore, Adderall. The complete lack of sleep and the sheer amount of caffeine pumped into their listless bodies transforms seemingly harmless students into a zombie-like state.

If you, dear reader, are concerned that you may have unknowingly become a zombie, here are a few telltale signs. The hallmark signs of a zombie include incessant Facebooking, Youtubing, or Tweeting in an attempt to avoid the treacherous cave of homework doom. In this delusional, zombie state, even mundane and otherwise painful chores such as cleaning your toilet or paying your bills appear preferable to studying. Even zombies who were previously very health conscious begin to crave greasy, fast food (particularly pizza and McDonalds). If you, dear reader, are still unsure as to whether or not you are in fact, a zombie, there is one foolproof test. Look into the closest mirror or shiny surface and if you see dark, monstrous bags under your eyes and/or a stress induced break out, you, my friend, have undoubtedly joined the zombie horde.

[digg=http://digg.com/comedy/How_to_spot_a_zombie_in_college]

Don’t be deceived by their charismatic demeanor and collegiate and/ or Pink University gear- zombie students are particularly vicious. Because misery loves company, these bloodthirsty zombies will bite your throat at a moment’s notice. The side effects are swift and staggering – immediate cattiness and extreme agitation (and that’s if you are lucky). Tempers run short and when push comes to shove, a Darwinian “every man for himself” attitude is adopted. The consequences? Fights, melodrama, and the ultimate rupture of countless friendships and relationships. Exams, stress, and tension are inevitable facts of life and are unfortunately unavoidable. My advice is to merely avoid these insidious zombies and if need be- barricade yourself in your bedroom.