Sharing your sleeping space with strangers is one thing, especially when those strangers like to heat up curried Indian food at 3 a.m. and incessantly hum Paramore painfully off key through the night (I mean, REALLY. I thought you were a Music major?!). But sharing your showering space? Forget disgusting; the thought itself is legitimately gag-worthy. I may or may not have just regurgitated in my mouth a little.

Believe me when I tell you that it is not hard to die from the horrible things you’re forcefully exposed to in a communal bathroom. Lucky for you, I’m great at not contracting diseases that swim around in public shower stalls. And even luckier for you, I’m willing to share my survival tips. Take my advice and you might not die from a communal bathroom (I offer no guarantees).

1. Wear shower shoes. These are vital in not dying. Your standard Old Navy flip-flops will do, although the green ones are especially effective in preventing infection. Ditching the sandals is essentially a death wish; your bare feet will actually be able to feel the H1N1 creeping under your toenails. Not a fun event.

2. Don’t let anything touch the ground. A communal bathroom floor gets mopped in vomit several times every weekend; do you really want to risk trusting the 5 second rule on your toothbrush under these circumstances? No is generally the acceptable answer to this.

3. Use your foot to flush the toilet. Hopefully this is not a foreign concept. There’s really not much more I wish to elaborate on for this one. Just please don’t use your fingers to jiggle the handle. Your leprosy-free palms will thank you later.

4. Make it snappy. In and out; this is not the place to discuss with the girls down the hall which boys from philosophy class you’d prefer getting with this weekend. The more time spent in the shared restroom, the more time airborne viruses have to manifest themselves in your orifices.

5. Avoid them at all costs. Communal bathrooms should only be used for their intended purposes and only in extreme emergencies. Hair and makeup can easily be taken care of in your room. When you do need to use a toilet/shower, the public restroom should be a last resort. A good example: if you have to pee before you go out to dinner, hold it until the restaurant. Chances are good that the facilities there have a much lower death rate.

6. For the over achiever: Don’t use them at all. Making your own makeshift dorm room toilet is a great way to avoid contracting the bacterial infections populating communal washrooms. This alternative is far more sanitary than public bathroom stalls. Skipping showering altogether will also keep you cleaner than any community shower stall ever could. Just compare my roommate and I; you’ll smell the difference.

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