Peace and love forever,
Danie Echols

Sharing your sleeping space with strangers is one thing, especially when those strangers like to heat up curried Indian food at 3 a.m. and incessantly hum Paramore painfully off key through the night (I mean, REALLY. I thought you were a Music major?!). But sharing your showering space? Forget disgusting; the thought itself is legitimately gag-worthy. I may or may not have just regurgitated in my mouth a little.

Believe me when I tell you that it is not hard to die from the horrible things you’re forcefully exposed to in a communal bathroom. Lucky for you, I’m great at not contracting diseases that swim around in public shower stalls. And even luckier for you, I’m willing to share my survival tips. Take my advice and you might not die from a communal bathroom (I offer no guarantees).

1. Wear shower shoes. These are vital in not dying. Your standard Old Navy flip-flops will do, although the green ones are especially effective in preventing infection. Ditching the sandals is essentially a death wish; your bare feet will actually be able to feel the H1N1 creeping under your toenails. Not a fun event.

2. Don’t let anything touch the ground. A communal bathroom floor gets mopped in vomit several times every weekend; do you really want to risk trusting the 5 second rule on your toothbrush under these circumstances? No is generally the acceptable answer to this.

3. Use your foot to flush the toilet. Hopefully this is not a foreign concept. There’s really not much more I wish to elaborate on for this one. Just please don’t use your fingers to jiggle the handle. Your leprosy-free palms will thank you later.

4. Make it snappy. In and out; this is not the place to discuss with the girls down the hall which boys from philosophy class you’d prefer getting with this weekend. The more time spent in the shared restroom, the more time airborne viruses have to manifest themselves in your orifices.

5. Avoid them at all costs. Communal bathrooms should only be used for their intended purposes and only in extreme emergencies. Hair and makeup can easily be taken care of in your room. When you do need to use a toilet/shower, the public restroom should be a last resort. A good example: if you have to pee before you go out to dinner, hold it until the restaurant. Chances are good that the facilities there have a much lower death rate.

6. For the over achiever: Don’t use them at all. Making your own makeshift dorm room toilet is a great way to avoid contracting the bacterial infections populating communal washrooms. This alternative is far more sanitary than public bathroom stalls. Skipping showering altogether will also keep you cleaner than any community shower stall ever could. Just compare my roommate and I; you’ll smell the difference.

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During this phase of hell, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of sleep obtained and the amount of Starbucks consumed. It appears to be a losing battle for the infantry of sleep. Since students cannot seem to access a syringe capable of injecting Mountain Dew or Monster Energy Drinks, many students settle for caffeine pills and for the more hardcore, Adderall. The complete lack of sleep and the sheer amount of caffeine pumped into their listless bodies transforms seemingly harmless students into a zombie-like state.

If you, dear reader, are concerned that you may have unknowingly become a zombie, here are a few telltale signs. The hallmark signs of a zombie include incessant Facebooking, Youtubing, or Tweeting in an attempt to avoid the treacherous cave of homework doom. In this delusional, zombie state, even mundane and otherwise painful chores such as cleaning your toilet or paying your bills appear preferable to studying. Even zombies who were previously very health conscious begin to crave greasy, fast food (particularly pizza and McDonalds). If you, dear reader, are still unsure as to whether or not you are in fact, a zombie, there is one foolproof test. Look into the closest mirror or shiny surface and if you see dark, monstrous bags under your eyes and/or a stress induced break out, you, my friend, have undoubtedly joined the zombie horde.

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Don’t be deceived by their charismatic demeanor and collegiate and/ or Pink University gear- zombie students are particularly vicious. Because misery loves company, these bloodthirsty zombies will bite your throat at a moment’s notice. The side effects are swift and staggering – immediate cattiness and extreme agitation (and that’s if you are lucky). Tempers run short and when push comes to shove, a Darwinian “every man for himself” attitude is adopted. The consequences? Fights, melodrama, and the ultimate rupture of countless friendships and relationships. Exams, stress, and tension are inevitable facts of life and are unfortunately unavoidable. My advice is to merely avoid these insidious zombies and if need be- barricade yourself in your bedroom.