Families are great and all but sometimes they can be a little too much, especially in highly concentrated doses. Here are some tips to make the holiday experience just a little more manageable.

1. Eggnog: Sure, you may tell crazy aunt Martha she smells like wet dog but at least you will feel good about it. If you drink just any drink the family may throw around words like alcoholic but if you generously partake in the eggnog then you’re just festive.
2. New hobbies: Tell them that this past semester you really got into meditation and must be left alone for hours to align your chi.
3. Noise cancellation headphones: Enough said.
4. Strep: let them know via email/letter/Morse code that you have come down with strep/laryngitis/ any throat condition and have no voice.
5. Story time: The more terrible college stories they here from you the better you will look. Take the time out to share the stories about your alcoholic roommate or your slutty roommate or even your alcoholic slutty roommate. You will look exponentially better in comparison.

Happy Holidays….

I am a hermit. Not the old fashioned kind where they live in a cave in the forest and eat bugs but in the sense that on the rare occasion I can stay holed up alone in my apartment to watch TV all day I take it. (The day is especially good if an SVU marathon is on.) On the average hermit day I’ll wear big socks, fleece sweatpants and a hoodie (that 99% of the time don’t match at all) and maybe even a hat, camp out on the couch with a blanket and my computer and watch TV all day with my cat.  If I’m feeling especially cold though I’ll break out my newly gifted Snuggie courtesy of my grandma (because they always have the warmest clothes). Not the most exciting thing to do, but the sweet sweet act of doing absolutely nothing is wonderful after a semester of school. Even the simple act of cooking food seems strenuous and as we get further into winter and the temperature drops the idea of putting on real clothes and braving the snow (even if there is only an inch outside) seems like the worst possible idea. That’s what home delivery was invented for right?

Staying in all day though breeds an inescapable sense of laziness. A laziness so intense and so epic if may result in an over drafting fee from not doing needed chores like going to the bank which most responsible people would do. I however remain on the internet and surfing basic cable channels while contemplating big decisions like should I nap now or later?

Despite the alarming thought that this may be a series of practice runs for a lifetime of being a cat lady I relish these days when for one there is absolutely no reason why I should leave my house and sit steadfast on the couch because seemingly “important” chores like transferring money and doing laundry can certainly wait another day. And if I don’t keep up with the Kardashians who will?

Part 1

When my sister began college 4 yrs ago, Facebook was something only cool college students knew about. NOW, the whole world has become obsessed. Think of how often you’re avoiding studying and you say to yourself, “Hmmm… let me see what that girl/guy I met in summer camp is doing.” Now, imagine you’re away from all your friends in a place that you don’t know! Trust me, the temptation is much greater. Next thing you know you’ve spent the next 2 hours clicking your little ass off, and that pile of “I’m gonna get to it” stuff is still sitting there. We are breeding a whole generation of “clickers.” People are addicted to facebook. Really, I got no major beef with “the Book.” I mean, if CNN thinks it’s credible, I shouldn’t complain. Just remember you go to college to learn and getting your news from Facebook, may not always be the wisest decision. Check out Time.com, BBC.co.uk., and cnn.com. Want something a little cooler try current.com. TRY ANYTHING, realize there is a lot more than the Book (and TWITTER, cough cough).

Much love forever,

Danie L. E.

With the rate of college suicides on the rise some schools are starting specific programs in order to help their students deal with stress. But in this time of our lives where we are supposed to be focused on enjoying ourselves (with a little bit of studying tossed in) and creating a future for ourselves what can go so drastically wrong?

Right now a lot of people are blaming it all on the economy. Students need funding now more than ever and it isn’t always available. Also with the decrease in jobs a college student could look at their future and see a whole lot of nothing. It’s hard to go through the typical four years with fear that you may not be able to get a job once you graduate.

Most schools have their own suicide prevention hotlines and counselors to unload your doubts on. Is this enough? Depression is a terrible thing and a lot of students don’t want to go talk to a professor or parent or anyone about their feelings.

There are several things that a student can do by themselves to help combat depression and suicidal thoughts. The main thing is to try to stay positive. Last year I couldn’t get funding for school. My family was in a bad place financially and my life felt like it was out of control. To be honest there were a lot of days that I didn’t want to get out of bed at all, much less socialize. I found a few websites that made me feel better and they helped me put things into perspective (at least a little bit).

One, of course, is postsecret.blogspot.com. A lot of people have said that this website has helped them with depression. Post Secret is a website where people from all over send in their secrets to share online. It can definitely make a person feel less alone.

Another, sadly, is icanhascheezburger.com. I hate to admit it but LOLcats can always make me feel better. Cute cats, funny captions, what’s not to love? Seriously, just try it on a bad day. (p.s. don’t judge me!)

Then there is givesmehope.com, This site is amazing. It is exactly how it sounds. People post things that happened to them that gave them hope. It does a lot to remind its readers that not everything is crashing and burning.

If you are depressed, try to get help. Even if that help is telling a close friend so that they can help make your day brighter. College is only a few years out of your life, enjoy it, your whole future is waiting for you on the other end.

Stop it!

To fill the rest of you in on the story; Monday nights I am in an anthropology class on Indians in Wisconsin.  At first I thought that this class would be easy, my thought being, “How many Indians could really be in Wisconsin?”  I got my answer shortly after the first few weeks of class, ALL OF THEM!!!  All of my prior Indian knowledge came from Pocahontas and what I learned from the black jack tables while I was slowly funding some guys Escalade with rims larger than the table I was playing on.  When I hear the word Miami all I can think about is the Dolphins and how much I don’t want to go there during the summer months.  Not the tribe the originated in Ohio.  So knowing this you can pretty accurately assume how I’m doing in class.

So now to this asshole.  I thought that everyone was in the same boat as I was, confused and angry at life.  But this man decided to push us one step further.  This man is not a student, this man happens to be an expert on Indians in Wisconsin, one of two.  The other of course being our professor.  You sir, are a drain on our class.  If you really have the balls to argue with the professor what time periods a tribe spoke a now dead language you do not belong in this class.  Now in this mans case he wins these arguments.  Dude if you already know this stuff don’t take this class.  I understand if you need this class to graduate, in this case just don’t come to class.  There is no attendance and you already know this crap!  Thanks to you I never make an appearance in class, and even I am passing.

All I ask is that you think about my self-esteem before you flex your brain in class.

That is all.

Unless you’re a Rockefeller descendant, lottery winner attending an in-state university on a full ride scholarship, you’re a broke college student. Get over it; besides the aforementioned nonexistent example, college kids are expected to be poor.

As December creeps closer, rent and food money are no longer the biggest issues. It’s holiday season, which means you’re obligated to buy people things. That, or suffer the consequence of being labelled a heartless bitch. Your choice. Just keep in mind that picking the latter means you’re a heartless, selfish bitch. But whatever, still your choice…

Anyway, as always, I’m here to show you the ropes. Here is your personal guide to avoid wasting booze money on Christmas presents to cool, cheap, unique gifts!

For your friends: Mix CDs. Even though your friends can probably find and illegally download any song ever recorded on the internet, not much beats the high school flavored nostalgia of a good ol’ mix CD. (If you need help filling gaps in your playlist, plug in some songs you irrationally assume were written about you and your friends).

For your mother: A drawing. You’re not an artist? Not even remotely problematic. Hand her your archaic rendering of something sappy (two different animals displaying their unlikely friendship perhaps?) and say it took you weeks to finish. Tell her it reminds you of your powerful, impermeable relationship; moms eat that shit up.

For your father: One coupon to take you fishing/golfing/something outdoorsy whenever he wants. This gift is thoughtful and also suggests a desire for father-child bonding. Don’t worry about following up on your promise; utilize the same techniques you used to get out of these events for the past 20 years. That is a last resort; hopefully after a while he’ll just forget.

For the weird uncle: A miscellaneous object. Pick up a strange, foreign object from a dirty street. Give it to your uncle. Make a wild claim about how the drummer from White Snake used the object to wipe the sweat off his ride cymbal. Casually add how vicious the bidding on eBay was to get it.

For your little cousins: Last semester’s textbooks. Wrap up the now outdated textbooks your school’s STUPID bookstore refuses to buy back. When your cousins rip through the wrapping paper, tell that those books are the stuff college kids read and reading them will make you a super genius. They’ll love it for like two seconds until they open the next present. Whatever, your little cousins are annoying anyway, good enough.

For the remaining (siblings, significant others, co-workers, etc): Tell them their gifts are on the way. Excessively complain about how Amazon miscalculates it’s shipping estimates. After you’ve open your stash of holiday presents from your “loved ones”, re-gift all the crappy stuff. Will anyone ever find you out? No, never. Everyone wins.

Using my guide, you’ll save enough money for another semester’s worth of nightly 2 a.m. pizza runs textbooks. Happy gift-giving!

It’s Thanksgiving break (!), and for many, it’s the first time you’ve been home since the summer. It’s also the first time since the first half of the year you’ve seen your unnecessarily chatty, estranged relatives. The difference this time isn’t that you’ll be huddled around the turkey passing stuffing and suffering tripto-comas; the difference this time is that you’re a college student. This means NO ONE is going to shut up about school. Get prepared to be repeatedly assailed with the age old question:

HOW’S SCHOOL?

Reasons I hate this question: 1. It’s strictly obligatory and nobody actually cares. 2. How exactly do you go about answering that? Um, it’s good? 3. After the third time it’s asked, I’m ready to embark on a serial gut-jabbing spree. 4. Relatives, I don’t want to talk to you.

This coming Turkey Day will be my second since enrolling in college. This being said, I know the question is coming and, this time, I’ve constructed some verbal defense mechanisms. Here are some ways to answer your relatives’ inevitable curiosity/false concern as well as some ways to dodge any follow up questions.

1. “How’s school?” “I got kicked out and it’s a really sensitive subject; thanks for bringing it up.”

2. “How’s school?” “Didn’t you get the letter I sent you? I detailed all about how school is in that letter. Ask me again if you still have questions after reading my letter.”

3. “How’s school?” “I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.”

4. “How’s school?” “Well, I’ve been in school since I was about 5. Pretty curious that you waited 15 years to ask me that, isn’t it?”

5. “How’s school?” “Oh my god, did you ju– did the turkey just move? Did you see that? I swear to god, that turkey just flapped a wing. I’m going to go take a closer look!”

6. “How’s school?” (Quickly stuff multiple corn bread muffins in your mouth and shrug).

7. “How’s school?” “Good, thanks.”

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I am so not morally above being judgmental. If I was, I would have had no excuse to openly mock the fans that came about after the release of Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” series. No, I didn’t know who this Edward guy was, but I had no reservations when it came to labeling the college aged Edward Cullen obsessers as a pack of idiots.

Now, I didn’t read the books because I didn’t want anyone to confuse me for one of these girls when they saw me wielding a Ms. Meyer novel around campus. And because I’m not 14. And because I’m lazy. And because it’s a hell of a lot easier to wait for the movie. A couple weeks after the first movie came out, I secretly watched it. Seeing it armed me with enough ammo to keep up the mocking until “New Moon,” which, as I’m SURE you’re aware, comes out this week. The first movie was fabulous…for making fun of. I mean, REALLY. The vampire baseball game? The sparkle skin? The painfully awkward scenes of silent eye contact? The high speed piggy-back ride? Someone on set HAD to have been laughing, or at least battling a smirk.

Far too many 20-somethings are lining up for the “New Moon” midnight show. It’s a preteen tale, plain and simple. Did I mention the glittery skin thing yet? This is like My Little Pony stuff.

But to be truly honest, I didn’t hate the first flick. I hate myself for that. I can easily see it’s faults, but I have a hard time completely despising it. Much like a sappy pop ballad or those anti-animal abuse commercials, all it takes is a corny, sentimental premise and, BAM, you got yourself an audience of tearful young women (not to underline the stereotype of overly emotional females; I feel I can speak for women being that I am one).

I don’t care if Edward was a donkey-armadillo hybrid with a squirrel tail, given the storyline, the ladies are going to fall for him. I’m not exempt; I’m by no means immune to a love tale.

No, I’m not going to adorn my facebook statuses with a countdown to “New Moon,” <3s, and lines about how I long to be Mrs. Cullen (there is still no excusing that). I’m healthily aware that I, like many, have a small weakness for love stories. But with all that being said, it’s safe to say that I’ll probably end up with a ticket to “New Moon.”

See you there.