Just added Miami University – Oxford to the website. This guide is seriously awesome. The info in this college guide is juicier than yesterday’s turkey. Seriously.

Don’t believe me? Read some of the “RAW & UNCENSORED EXCERPTS!” Like, wow. RealCollegeTour.com is TRULY the home of uncensored college info…. If you don’t want to get assaulted by some scumbag frat boy, you should read this guide. We actually NAME which frat at Miami University is known to roofie girls…and guys.

What are the two most widely present characteristics of any bar? Darkness and beer, right? So it only makes sense to have parties when the power is out on (and off) campus.

Nothing much happens in Ohio so when something interesting does happen we tend to blow it way out of proportion. For example a really bad windstorm came through and we called it a hurricane.

Once the power was out it was only logical for my roommate and I to join our beers with our neighbor’s beer and celebrate this force of nature.

We had only met him once before. We had run out of sugar while baking cookies (this was in no way a common occurrence by the way) and what are neighbors for if not to let you leech off their baking materials? He opened the door sans shirt. Both his nipples were pierced.

But there we all sat, brought together by boredom and the realization that our own beer would not last us the night. Plus, he had tons of candles.

The candles, side note, could either mean

1. Creeper
2. He doesn’t bat for our team

The later it gets the more people cram into his apartment. Someone tries to make Jell-O shots before realizing that no power means no freezer. My roommate and I learned a lot that night. We learned that the nerdier the major, the more they can drink along with several other things that we wish we hadn’t learned. At the end of the night we inherited a book, The Guide to Getting it On.

We went back to our apartment and read the book by candlelight just like our forefathers. Ok, mainly we giggled at the pictures. By candlelight.

The next day there was no class since the campus had no power. The dean announced that there would be class, power or not, the following day. That night there was the most yuppie “riot” in all the history of riots. Miami is not known for its tough troublemaker students. Students at Miami wear pastel polo’s and designer sunglasses. The riot was more or less a ton of students standing on the lawn of the dean’s house complaining that they had class in the morning. The saddest part of this is that the city called in all of the neighboring cities police officers to “subdue” this “riot.”

The lessons learned in this are that you shouldn’t judge your neighbor by his piercing, if you’re going to riot go big or go home, and that nature likes it when you party.

It’s Thanksgiving break (!), and for many, it’s the first time you’ve been home since the summer. It’s also the first time since the first half of the year you’ve seen your unnecessarily chatty, estranged relatives. The difference this time isn’t that you’ll be huddled around the turkey passing stuffing and suffering tripto-comas; the difference this time is that you’re a college student. This means NO ONE is going to shut up about school. Get prepared to be repeatedly assailed with the age old question:

HOW’S SCHOOL?

Reasons I hate this question: 1. It’s strictly obligatory and nobody actually cares. 2. How exactly do you go about answering that? Um, it’s good? 3. After the third time it’s asked, I’m ready to embark on a serial gut-jabbing spree. 4. Relatives, I don’t want to talk to you.

This coming Turkey Day will be my second since enrolling in college. This being said, I know the question is coming and, this time, I’ve constructed some verbal defense mechanisms. Here are some ways to answer your relatives’ inevitable curiosity/false concern as well as some ways to dodge any follow up questions.

1. “How’s school?” “I got kicked out and it’s a really sensitive subject; thanks for bringing it up.”

2. “How’s school?” “Didn’t you get the letter I sent you? I detailed all about how school is in that letter. Ask me again if you still have questions after reading my letter.”

3. “How’s school?” “I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.”

4. “How’s school?” “Well, I’ve been in school since I was about 5. Pretty curious that you waited 15 years to ask me that, isn’t it?”

5. “How’s school?” “Oh my god, did you ju– did the turkey just move? Did you see that? I swear to god, that turkey just flapped a wing. I’m going to go take a closer look!”

6. “How’s school?” (Quickly stuff multiple corn bread muffins in your mouth and shrug).

7. “How’s school?” “Good, thanks.”

Hi, we just finished this video over the weekend, and we’re embarking on a massive viral marketing campaign. Our goal is 1 Million views for this AWESOME CAT VIDEO! I mean, it’s got kittens and college tips… What else could a video need in order to become successful?

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All protests should look like this

So, CNN is reporting that MASSIVE protests are going on at California colleges the past 2 days:

The Davis Police Department and deputies from the Yolo County Sheriff’s Department took 52 students into custody, according to UC Davis spokeswoman Claudia Morain.

If you recall, RealCollegeTour.com was the 5,349th media outlet to report on the tuition hikes at the University of California college system. We take pride in keeping our readers up-to-date on what’s going on at colleges across the country. It’s because of such quality reporting that we have been the #1 college blog since 1678.

I am so not morally above being judgmental. If I was, I would have had no excuse to openly mock the fans that came about after the release of Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” series. No, I didn’t know who this Edward guy was, but I had no reservations when it came to labeling the college aged Edward Cullen obsessers as a pack of idiots.

Now, I didn’t read the books because I didn’t want anyone to confuse me for one of these girls when they saw me wielding a Ms. Meyer novel around campus. And because I’m not 14. And because I’m lazy. And because it’s a hell of a lot easier to wait for the movie. A couple weeks after the first movie came out, I secretly watched it. Seeing it armed me with enough ammo to keep up the mocking until “New Moon,” which, as I’m SURE you’re aware, comes out this week. The first movie was fabulous…for making fun of. I mean, REALLY. The vampire baseball game? The sparkle skin? The painfully awkward scenes of silent eye contact? The high speed piggy-back ride? Someone on set HAD to have been laughing, or at least battling a smirk.

Far too many 20-somethings are lining up for the “New Moon” midnight show. It’s a preteen tale, plain and simple. Did I mention the glittery skin thing yet? This is like My Little Pony stuff.

But to be truly honest, I didn’t hate the first flick. I hate myself for that. I can easily see it’s faults, but I have a hard time completely despising it. Much like a sappy pop ballad or those anti-animal abuse commercials, all it takes is a corny, sentimental premise and, BAM, you got yourself an audience of tearful young women (not to underline the stereotype of overly emotional females; I feel I can speak for women being that I am one).

I don’t care if Edward was a donkey-armadillo hybrid with a squirrel tail, given the storyline, the ladies are going to fall for him. I’m not exempt; I’m by no means immune to a love tale.

No, I’m not going to adorn my facebook statuses with a countdown to “New Moon,” <3s, and lines about how I long to be Mrs. Cullen (there is still no excusing that). I’m healthily aware that I, like many, have a small weakness for love stories. But with all that being said, it’s safe to say that I’ll probably end up with a ticket to “New Moon.”

See you there.

My roommate Al may have possibly discovered the single most helpful homework catalyst we’ll ever know. It is not a work ethic, nor is it a secret study locale, but a song. Specifically, “The Final Countdown.”
Now we don’t know why this is the magic work song, but ever since it was discovered Al’s used it every time as a fail safe to finish a paper with an hour to due date. But how did she stumble across this jewel of knowledge you may ask? Much like many discoveries that change the world, it was an accident. She is a big fan of playing music while doing homework and realized she’s more productive while this song has reached the almost blasphemous stage of a homework Messiah. She has played it on loop for a solid half an hour as a fight song of finishing homework. As of now, she has played it a total of 59 times (the length is 5 minutes and 9 seconds). That’s ~304 hours of sweet sweet countdown.

Now it may seem trivial or maybe not even that funny. But now treating “The Final Countdown” as the sound track to accompany the last stand against homework I dare you not to feel productive. Or that by attempting conversation you would risk having your head ripped off by a jittery overcaffeinated perfectionist. Though in reality, who isn’t amidst that techno beat?

Dearest roommates,

Listen. I’m really worried about you guys. By the amount of repulsive, dirty dishes that is eternally stacked in our kitchen sink, I can tell something is wrong. The fact that I’m the only one out of the four girls that live here who has the time to scrub clean the grimey forks and greasy, Ramen-stained pans makes me think that you are seriously overwhelmed. You’re too preoccupied with homework to clean one single dish, and that is excruciatingly concerning.

By the look of the leaning tower of post pizza-eating plates, you guys are well over-booked. You know you have too much on your plate (metaphorically; I’m talking about schoolwork, not the aforementioned serving of Giordano’s) when you aboslutely cannot take 5 seconds out of your day to clean your cereal bowl. Really, 5 seconds. I timed it. It takes a person 5 seconds to clean a bowl.

Now, I totally understand. The dishes make it clear that you are swamped with feverishly writing, proofeading, and editing carefully constructed papers, e-mailing your questions and concerns to your professors, contacting fellow classmates and teacher’s assistants to discuss course materials, utilizing professors’ office hours and every other available class resource AND calling your parents nightly to discuss your daily struggles in coursework as well as to seek advice on how to resist peer pressure at social gatherings. You’re not alone. But even with all that, I can still find those couple seconds in my day to sponge the remnants of my Lean Cuisine off of my eating utensils.

John, Anthony, Nick, Frank, Michael, and Robbie’s frequent late night visits make it obvious that you are up well into the night frantically collaborating on group projects. Also, seeing that you guys don’t emerge from your rooms until the mid-afternoon definitely relays the message that you spend all of your waking morning hours affixed to your laptops typing up lab reports and critical analyses of literature. And for those reasons, I respect you, but your dedication is downright scary.

As long as I consistently see the signs that you are overwhelmed and over-working, I am more than willing to do the dishes. I will help you out in any ways that I can. Garbage? Sure. I’ll continue taking that out too; that’s fine. Anything. I just want you guys to try to take a break; you’re going to burn yourselves out. Try to put the pencils down for just a minute; you’re frightening me. Please.

Love, Joanie

p.s. If you guys ever need to talk, I’m here for you.

Sharing your sleeping space with strangers is one thing, especially when those strangers like to heat up curried Indian food at 3 a.m. and incessantly hum Paramore painfully off key through the night (I mean, REALLY. I thought you were a Music major?!). But sharing your showering space? Forget disgusting; the thought itself is legitimately gag-worthy. I may or may not have just regurgitated in my mouth a little.

Believe me when I tell you that it is not hard to die from the horrible things you’re forcefully exposed to in a communal bathroom. Lucky for you, I’m great at not contracting diseases that swim around in public shower stalls. And even luckier for you, I’m willing to share my survival tips. Take my advice and you might not die from a communal bathroom (I offer no guarantees).

1. Wear shower shoes. These are vital in not dying. Your standard Old Navy flip-flops will do, although the green ones are especially effective in preventing infection. Ditching the sandals is essentially a death wish; your bare feet will actually be able to feel the H1N1 creeping under your toenails. Not a fun event.

2. Don’t let anything touch the ground. A communal bathroom floor gets mopped in vomit several times every weekend; do you really want to risk trusting the 5 second rule on your toothbrush under these circumstances? No is generally the acceptable answer to this.

3. Use your foot to flush the toilet. Hopefully this is not a foreign concept. There’s really not much more I wish to elaborate on for this one. Just please don’t use your fingers to jiggle the handle. Your leprosy-free palms will thank you later.

4. Make it snappy. In and out; this is not the place to discuss with the girls down the hall which boys from philosophy class you’d prefer getting with this weekend. The more time spent in the shared restroom, the more time airborne viruses have to manifest themselves in your orifices.

5. Avoid them at all costs. Communal bathrooms should only be used for their intended purposes and only in extreme emergencies. Hair and makeup can easily be taken care of in your room. When you do need to use a toilet/shower, the public restroom should be a last resort. A good example: if you have to pee before you go out to dinner, hold it until the restaurant. Chances are good that the facilities there have a much lower death rate.

6. For the over achiever: Don’t use them at all. Making your own makeshift dorm room toilet is a great way to avoid contracting the bacterial infections populating communal washrooms. This alternative is far more sanitary than public bathroom stalls. Skipping showering altogether will also keep you cleaner than any community shower stall ever could. Just compare my roommate and I; you’ll smell the difference.

[digg=http://digg.com/comedy/6_Ways_To_Survive_a_Communal_Bathroom_in_College]

At DePaul University, we are on the much controversial “trimester system”. Each course is squeezed into a grueling 10 weeks, with an unnecessarily long 6-week winter break from Thanksgiving until well after New Years Day. For reasons no student quite understands, “midterm week” diverges into “midterm 3 weeks” and finals week becomes “finals two weeks”. You do the math. The middle of the term is the 5^th week, and if finals begin the 8^th week, while midterms are still being administered = nothing short of hell. It is typically around this eighth week of the term that students lose the will to live and “FML” Facebook statuses become prevalent and emphatically “liked”.

During this phase of hell, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of sleep obtained and the amount of Starbucks consumed. It appears to be a losing battle for the infantry of sleep. Since students cannot seem to access a syringe capable of injecting Mountain Dew or Monster Energy Drinks, many students settle for caffeine pills and for the more hardcore, Adderall. The complete lack of sleep and the sheer amount of caffeine pumped into their listless bodies transforms seemingly harmless students into a zombie-like state.

If you, dear reader, are concerned that you may have unknowingly become a zombie, here are a few telltale signs. The hallmark signs of a zombie include incessant Facebooking, Youtubing, or Tweeting in an attempt to avoid the treacherous cave of homework doom. In this delusional, zombie state, even mundane and otherwise painful chores such as cleaning your toilet or paying your bills appear preferable to studying. Even zombies who were previously very health conscious begin to crave greasy, fast food (particularly pizza and McDonalds). If you, dear reader, are still unsure as to whether or not you are in fact, a zombie, there is one foolproof test. Look into the closest mirror or shiny surface and if you see dark, monstrous bags under your eyes and/or a stress induced break out, you, my friend, have undoubtedly joined the zombie horde.

[digg=http://digg.com/comedy/How_to_spot_a_zombie_in_college]

Don’t be deceived by their charismatic demeanor and collegiate and/ or Pink University gear- zombie students are particularly vicious. Because misery loves company, these bloodthirsty zombies will bite your throat at a moment’s notice. The side effects are swift and staggering – immediate cattiness and extreme agitation (and that’s if you are lucky). Tempers run short and when push comes to shove, a Darwinian “every man for himself” attitude is adopted. The consequences? Fights, melodrama, and the ultimate rupture of countless friendships and relationships. Exams, stress, and tension are inevitable facts of life and are unfortunately unavoidable. My advice is to merely avoid these insidious zombies and if need be- barricade yourself in your bedroom.