Dear Grandma,

Thanks so much for the care package you sent me-I was so excited to get it! With second semester coming up and book-buy right around the corner; the generous gift you enclosed will definitely go to good use. Thanks also for the yummy food you sent-it’s a nice break from the cafeteria!

Things at school are going well. Classes are challenging but I’m budgeting my time well to study. I also joined a fraternity since we last spoke. Even though I’m still a pledge the guys already consider me a full-member and good friend.

I hope that things are still going well in Key West. My Dad says that we’re going to visit you in April–I can’t wait to see you! Send my love to Grandpa and CiCi as well.

Love,

Peter

Translation:

Dear Grandma.

When I first saw the large box at the student union post office I was excited. The box was probably big enough to comfortably house a small child-so I naturally thought it would be jam-packed with home-made cookies, precious jewels and useless war memorabilia from grandpa.

My boyish hope was put to rest, however, when I opened the box to find only: six boxes cup noodle, one Tide to-go pen, and an envelope with five dollars. How could I forget that you and grandpa are so cheap you’d use a large box left over from your move to Key West in 1968?

In regards to the money-thanks so much! Your petty contribution will go a long way to settle the $100,000 debt I have with the university. Well, probably not, but at least your gift can be used for the cover fee for a party. Who knows, I might go to such a party and find a totally wasted girl and end up sleeping with her. So in a way, you may have helped your grandson get laid-how thoughtful of you.

The cup noodles will definitely go to good use. The cheapest meal plan here only gets you 10 meals per week so maybe if I eat the noodles really sparingly I can support my body’s metabolism on such a meager diet for a few weeks.

I joined a frat last week and it’s only because I told them that you’d died and that I had to write sympathy emails to my parents that they let me out of the putrid basement where they keep pledges locked up to develop “brotherhood.” Speaking of which, the three minutes they’re allowing me to write is almost up. So I’ll make my goodbye.

I have heard it through the grape vine that plans are in order to visit you in Key West during April. While the thought of being in Florida during Spring Break is at first appealing- sipping tonic water on your porch while listening to you talk about your recent bowel obstruction is thoroughly unappetizing. Let it be known that I will do anything I can to avoid such an excursion. Even if it means taking a last-minute “foreign exchange trip” to free me from any obligation to see you.

I hope all is going well with you and grandpa-for god’s sake don’t die! Send my love to grandpa and that annoying dog you’ve recently adopted as a way to feel needed.

Love,

Peter (I’m Catherine’s son).

Peace and love forever,
Danie Echols

1. Eggnog: Sure, you may tell crazy aunt Martha she smells like wet dog but at least you will feel good about it. If you drink just any drink the family may throw around words like alcoholic but if you generously partake in the eggnog then you’re just festive.
2. New hobbies: Tell them that this past semester you really got into meditation and must be left alone for hours to align your chi.
3. Noise cancellation headphones: Enough said.
4. Strep: let them know via email/letter/Morse code that you have come down with strep/laryngitis/ any throat condition and have no voice.
5. Story time: The more terrible college stories they here from you the better you will look. Take the time out to share the stories about your alcoholic roommate or your slutty roommate or even your alcoholic slutty roommate. You will look exponentially better in comparison.

Happy Holidays….

We all know that times are rough. Every dollar counts. This is why we are tinkering with a concept known as “microscholarships.” We can’t say that we created the term, but we hope that other companies will follow in our path and make more microscholarships available to students.

We’ve created a contest that is giving out $100 microscholarships to ten (10) entrants.

Plus, we’re making it VERY EASY to enter. It’ll probably only take you 30 seconds to submit an entry to win a $100 microscholarship.


In a nutshell, here’s HOW IT WORKS:


1. Follow us on Twitter (http://twitter.com/realcollegetour).

2. Send us a Tweet telling us why you deserve one of our microscholarships or why you want one of them. It’ll look something like this:


3. The contest ends at 11:59 p.m. EDT on January 31, 2010. This means your Tweet must be in by then.

4. You can Tweet as many submissions as you want.

5. Entries will be judged on the “originality” and the “entertainment value” of the Tweet. Make them wise, clever, and/or fun!

6. All  ten (10) Winners will be announced on February 14th, 2010. We’ll contact the winners via Twitter, so don’t be a stranger!

Don’t forget to tell all your friends and family about the scholarship!

For more info, go to the Twitter MicroScholarship Page.

I am a hermit. Not the old fashioned kind where they live in a cave in the forest and eat bugs but in the sense that on the rare occasion I can stay holed up alone in my apartment to watch TV all day I take it. (The day is especially good if an SVU marathon is on.) On the average hermit day I’ll wear big socks, fleece sweatpants and a hoodie (that 99% of the time don’t match at all) and maybe even a hat, camp out on the couch with a blanket and my computer and watch TV all day with my cat.  If I’m feeling especially cold though I’ll break out my newly gifted Snuggie courtesy of my grandma (because they always have the warmest clothes). Not the most exciting thing to do, but the sweet sweet act of doing absolutely nothing is wonderful after a semester of school. Even the simple act of cooking food seems strenuous and as we get further into winter and the temperature drops the idea of putting on real clothes and braving the snow (even if there is only an inch outside) seems like the worst possible idea. That’s what home delivery was invented for right?

Staying in all day though breeds an inescapable sense of laziness. A laziness so intense and so epic if may result in an over drafting fee from not doing needed chores like going to the bank which most responsible people would do. I however remain on the internet and surfing basic cable channels while contemplating big decisions like should I nap now or later?

Despite the alarming thought that this may be a series of practice runs for a lifetime of being a cat lady I relish these days when for one there is absolutely no reason why I should leave my house and sit steadfast on the couch because seemingly “important” chores like transferring money and doing laundry can certainly wait another day. And if I don’t keep up with the Kardashians who will?

B. Miami University has the record for relationships between students that become marriages.
But there are several good things about having a steady relationship in college. The main one being that you aren’t sharing the same things as everyone else. A college campus is like a playroom in a preschool, germs are everywhere and sharing is STILL encouraged.

You can usually expect anyone in a committed relationship to start to exhibit specific signs

1. The “Toothbrush”
a. In the real world this can be anything to signify that they will be back on a regular basis.
b. My boyfriend left his collectors box set of Buffy the Vampire DVD’s

2. The nice dinners out
a. In the real world this will last until things get to be pretty comfortable.
b. In college no one has the money for this. Chipotle counts.

3. The introduction to friends
a. Usually at a gathering specifically for the occasion.
b. Usually at a party or you run into them playing video games in his apartment/dorm.

4. You’re a team
a. Using the word “we” instead of “I” Being together all the time.
b. Literally. He picks you for his beer pong matches. Plus he knows you can distract the opposing team with your feminine attributes. Hey that’s…

5. Trust
a. In the real world this is trusting them with secrets, dreams, and trusting them to be faithful
b. In college this is generally the same! No cheating, and if you have to, just have to, trust not to do it with the roommate/dorm mate/friend.
i. Also trusting them to take care of you if you do happen to loose at beer pong.

Right now a lot of people are blaming it all on the economy. Students need funding now more than ever and it isn’t always available. Also with the decrease in jobs a college student could look at their future and see a whole lot of nothing. It’s hard to go through the typical four years with fear that you may not be able to get a job once you graduate.

Most schools have their own suicide prevention hotlines and counselors to unload your doubts on. Is this enough? Depression is a terrible thing and a lot of students don’t want to go talk to a professor or parent or anyone about their feelings.

There are several things that a student can do by themselves to help combat depression and suicidal thoughts. The main thing is to try to stay positive. Last year I couldn’t get funding for school. My family was in a bad place financially and my life felt like it was out of control. To be honest there were a lot of days that I didn’t want to get out of bed at all, much less socialize. I found a few websites that made me feel better and they helped me put things into perspective (at least a little bit).

One, of course, is postsecret.blogspot.com. A lot of people have said that this website has helped them with depression. Post Secret is a website where people from all over send in their secrets to share online. It can definitely make a person feel less alone.

Another, sadly, is icanhascheezburger.com. I hate to admit it but LOLcats can always make me feel better. Cute cats, funny captions, what’s not to love? Seriously, just try it on a bad day. (p.s. don’t judge me!)

Then there is givesmehope.com, This site is amazing. It is exactly how it sounds. People post things that happened to them that gave them hope. It does a lot to remind its readers that not everything is crashing and burning.

If you are depressed, try to get help. Even if that help is telling a close friend so that they can help make your day brighter. College is only a few years out of your life, enjoy it, your whole future is waiting for you on the other end.

To fill the rest of you in on the story; Monday nights I am in an anthropology class on Indians in Wisconsin.  At first I thought that this class would be easy, my thought being, “How many Indians could really be in Wisconsin?”  I got my answer shortly after the first few weeks of class, ALL OF THEM!!!  All of my prior Indian knowledge came from Pocahontas and what I learned from the black jack tables while I was slowly funding some guys Escalade with rims larger than the table I was playing on.  When I hear the word Miami all I can think about is the Dolphins and how much I don’t want to go there during the summer months.  Not the tribe the originated in Ohio.  So knowing this you can pretty accurately assume how I’m doing in class.

So now to this asshole.  I thought that everyone was in the same boat as I was, confused and angry at life.  But this man decided to push us one step further.  This man is not a student, this man happens to be an expert on Indians in Wisconsin, one of two.  The other of course being our professor.  You sir, are a drain on our class.  If you really have the balls to argue with the professor what time periods a tribe spoke a now dead language you do not belong in this class.  Now in this mans case he wins these arguments.  Dude if you already know this stuff don’t take this class.  I understand if you need this class to graduate, in this case just don’t come to class.  There is no attendance and you already know this crap!  Thanks to you I never make an appearance in class, and even I am passing.

All I ask is that you think about my self-esteem before you flex your brain in class.

That is all.