So you’ve successfully avoided/handled being repeatedly badgered by the inevitable ”How’s school?” from all the relatives who provide you with a sole reason to despise all holidays who you don’t see too often. Congratulations. Now don’t kill the messenger here, but it gets harder yet. Winter break brings about another question that demands another rapid succession of lies artfully crafted responses. So, what do they want to know this time?
“How’d your first semester go?”
Don’t lie to yourself (key word: yourself), your grades went down the toilet (all of your grades, thus clogging the metaphorical toilet and creating the horrible mess you’re in now). The first technique in preventing a discussion regarding grades is easy; deflect the focus to something else, preferably something you can bullshit about and preferably something remotely feasible (as if your relatives would honestly know anyway).
“How’d your first semester go?”
-”I made a lot of friends!”
-”Well, I sure know campus like the back of my hand now!”
-”I was homesick at first, but it turned out just fine!”
-”I’m thinking about joining the ultimate frisbee team!”
Congratulations. The academic focus has been deflected. Now, chances are, not all of your extended family members will be satisfied with your replies. At some point, the wise ass, self-proclaimed spit fire of the family will blurt out over the steaming aspargus, “Well, ha! Let’s be serious, hun. How about them grades??“ God damnit. Red alert. All eyes on you, DeNiro, make it good…
1. “Well, I learned a lot which is really the most important thing anyway.”
2. “Hey wait a minute, no one’s said anything about my scalloped potatoes! Not bad, huh?”
3. “Not sure. My teachers never gave me my report card or anything, soo…”
4. “Fun story- a friend of mine almost got kicked out from her bad grades this semester. She really worked so hard too; such an honest, hard worker. Her name? Irrelevant. She is really, really pretty though, got great legs.”
5. “I’m sorry, may I be excused? I’m feeling some explosive diarrhea coming on.”
6. “My university doesn’t actually do grades. They’re very free-spirited and liberal there. I did, however, get a rainbow in beekeeping 101.”
7. “I’m sorry, what? You want some gravy? There you go.”
8. “Grades? I just about failed. Oh, ha ha ha! I’m a regular comedian, huh?!”
9. “Well, in my opinion, I got straight A’s.”
10. “Not great… I had a life-threatening case of the swine. I was out for 2 and a half months. Do you really not remember that?”
11. “Didn’t you get the letter I sent you? No? I detailed all about my grades in that letter. That damn postal service.”
12. (Pretend to choke on a crescent role. Start sweating, convulsing, and performing the Heimlic maneuver with the back of your chair. Spit the bread wad into the face of the obnoxiously overly curious relative. Glower across the table. Change the subject.)