Despite Homeland Security’s best efforts, a recent press release from the Pentagon reveals that a domestic army is forming. Their uniform: tight jeans, pea coats, and berets. Their mission: to derail the foundations of popular American media. Their name: Alternative.
While Defense Secretary Kirby Henderson does admit that; “the fighters themselves are not intimidating,” (a typical soldier has a slender build, 1% body fat, and negligible upper body strength), the “weapons which the movement controls are cause for concern.”
Further research reveals that the large force (about 40% of small liberal arts colleges), is in possession of a large number of W.M.D.s (Weapons of Mass Dispersion). Notable units in the arsenal include; popular Lemonheads albums, movies featured at the Sundance Film Festival, and fair trade coffee shops.
Ruth Perret-Goluboff, leader of the movement, told us that; “our goal is to inundate the public with avant garde forms of entertainment which stimulate the senses and soul.” In an effort to combat this threat, Washington has allocated over $40 billion to promote mainstream forms of media. Popular band Nickelback received a portion of such funds. In response to this news, lead singer Chad Kroeger was quoted saying that ;“it’s an honor serve one’s country.” Nickelback is already working hard to promote their newest “American” single; “Look at this Pornograph.”
While current estimates vary as to the fallout this new-wave of resistance will cause, experts are confident that the American way of life will be preserved. Those wanting to avoid threat of conversion by the fighters should avoid vegan bakeries, stores selling clove cigarettes, and poetry slams.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This is terrible. It’s not even funny. You’re making fun of real news. This is not what news is used for you stupid prick. fucking grow up and read about some real issues then maybe you can be considered to speak and voice you’re pathetic opinion if you even have one.
wow man. I didn’t know that an inocusous post on an emerging college humor website could possibly incite the wrath of one thousand suns from you. You must really have something important to say, you even make your mission clear with your inventive user name. I’ll used the title you assumed to address you man, “Go fuck youself.” I’m sorry if you didn’t like the article, that’s okay. I appreciate feedback, both good and bad. But if your only beef with the article is that I make satire out of the popular media outlet of newspaper, then you sure have an ax to grind with a lot of people. If I were you I’d continue my indignant posting to “The Onion,” “Comedy Central,” as well as the author of the Peanuts cartoon strip. I wish you luck in your endless endeavor and I hope that the difference you’re making the world becomes worthy enough to be featured in what you refer to as “real news.”
wow people are vicious when their hiding behind a computer.
Kort… Koppmann??? fagg haha
Go Fuck Yourself: ur gay bro. sorry.