It’s Thanksgiving break (!), and for many, it’s the first time you’ve been home since the summer. It’s also the first time since the first half of the year you’ve seen your unnecessarily chatty, estranged relatives. The difference this time isn’t that you’ll be huddled around the turkey passing stuffing and suffering tripto-comas; the difference this time is that you’re a college student. This means NO ONE is going to shut up about school. Get prepared to be repeatedly assailed with the age old question:

HOW’S SCHOOL?

Reasons I hate this question: 1. It’s strictly obligatory and nobody actually cares. 2. How exactly do you go about answering that? Um, it’s good? 3. After the third time it’s asked, I’m ready to embark on a serial gut-jabbing spree. 4. Relatives, I don’t want to talk to you.

This coming Turkey Day will be my second since enrolling in college. This being said, I know the question is coming and, this time, I’ve constructed some verbal defense mechanisms. Here are some ways to answer your relatives’ inevitable curiosity/false concern as well as some ways to dodge any follow up questions.

1. “How’s school?” “I got kicked out and it’s a really sensitive subject; thanks for bringing it up.”

2. “How’s school?” “Didn’t you get the letter I sent you? I detailed all about how school is in that letter. Ask me again if you still have questions after reading my letter.”

3. “How’s school?” “I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.”

4. “How’s school?” “Well, I’ve been in school since I was about 5. Pretty curious that you waited 15 years to ask me that, isn’t it?”

5. “How’s school?” “Oh my god, did you ju– did the turkey just move? Did you see that? I swear to god, that turkey just flapped a wing. I’m going to go take a closer look!”

6. “How’s school?” (Quickly stuff multiple corn bread muffins in your mouth and shrug).

7. “How’s school?” “Good, thanks.”