At DePaul University, we are on the much controversial “trimester system”. Each course is squeezed into a grueling 10 weeks, with an unnecessarily long 6-week winter break from Thanksgiving until well after New Years Day. For reasons no student quite understands, “midterm week” diverges into “midterm 3 weeks” and finals week becomes “finals two weeks”. You do the math. The middle of the term is the 5th week, and if finals begin the 8th week, while midterms are still being administered = nothing short of hell. It is typically around this eighth week of the term that students lose the will to live and “FML” Facebook statuses become prevalent and emphatically “liked”.
During this phase of hell, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of sleep obtained and the amount of Starbucks consumed. It appears to be a losing battle for the infantry of sleep. Since students cannot seem to access a syringe capable of injecting Mountain Dew or Monster Energy Drinks, many students settle for caffeine pills and for the more hardcore, Adderall. The complete lack of sleep and the sheer amount of caffeine pumped into their listless bodies transforms seemingly harmless students into a zombie-like state.
If you, dear reader, are concerned that you may have unknowingly become a zombie, here are a few telltale signs. The hallmark signs of a zombie include incessant Facebooking, Youtubing, or Tweeting in an attempt to avoid the treacherous cave of homework doom. In this delusional, zombie state, even mundane and otherwise painful chores such as cleaning your toilet or paying your bills appear preferable to studying. Even zombies who were previously very health conscious begin to crave greasy, fast food (particularly pizza and McDonalds). If you, dear reader, are still unsure as to whether or not you are in fact, a zombie, there is one foolproof test. Look into the closest mirror or shiny surface and if you see dark, monstrous bags under your eyes and/or a stress induced break out, you, my friend, have undoubtedly joined the zombie horde.
[digg=http://digg.com/comedy/How_to_spot_a_zombie_in_college]
Don’t be deceived by their charismatic demeanor and collegiate and/ or Pink University gear- zombie students are particularly vicious. Because misery loves company, these bloodthirsty zombies will bite your throat at a moment’s notice. The side effects are swift and staggering – immediate cattiness and extreme agitation (and that’s if you are lucky). Tempers run short and when push comes to shove, a Darwinian “every man for himself” attitude is adopted. The consequences? Fights, melodrama, and the ultimate rupture of countless friendships and relationships. Exams, stress, and tension are inevitable facts of life and are unfortunately unavoidable. My advice is to merely avoid these insidious zombies and if need be- barricade yourself in your bedroom.
